Insanity is Contagious

American Aquarium Drinker: Dear Young Conservative

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 11:53:21 -0500

American Aquarium Drinker: Dear Young Conservative:

Dear young conservative,

I hope you are reading this. My ideal reader for this piece is an actual person under thirty years old who self-identifies as conservative. I would like it very much if this letter found readers beyond my typical (and beloved) echo chamber of liberal…

Geez Louise: DC Pierson casually summing up everything.

Video

Sat, 25 Aug 2012 16:15:13 -0400

jordanmorris: amyohconnor: There was something crazy about...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 21:03:01 -0400

jordanmorris:

amyohconnor:

There was something crazy about that sketch from the beginning. It tickled a funny bone where Kristen got the giggles -– even in rehearsal. When we were coming out in the golf cart, I looked at her and I knew. I heard it, this laugh of hers that comes from the throat. It tripped some sort of wire in her where she couldn’t stop. Something about that voice … it’s a voice we do when we’re joking around with each other in life. It’s just a stupid, dumb voice, but it gets her every time.

Maya Rudolph, Los Angeles Times

This was a delight.

I just can’t not love these people.

I wish I could read Dickens even though no matter how hard I try (not that hard) he’s still...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 20:51:00 -0400

I wish I could read Dickens even though no matter how hard I try (not that hard) he’s still boring and twisty and I can’t get my literary fingers to firmly grip whatever it is he’s trying to make me feel and I have a sneaking suspicion that no one ACTUALLY likes Dickens, smart people just pretend to like Dickens to make ME feel stupid.

Goodness, I love this song and video and lady.

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 06:15:00 -0400

Goodness, I love this song and video and lady.

Being a professionally successful lady involves recognizing and then obliterating one’s...

Tue, 29 May 2012 03:26:56 -0400

Being a professionally successful lady involves recognizing and then obliterating one’s biological instinct to reproduce, I’m learning.

I really love these two performers. I’m happy to see Paul...

Mon, 21 May 2012 17:02:22 -0400

I really love these two performers. I’m happy to see Paul F. Tomkpins all dimly-lit and mustachioed and getting to be charming.

Home is Where the Heart is.

Wed, 16 May 2012 04:11:00 -0400

This is a level-one, basic, first day of classes epiphany I’m about to drop. But it’s taken me so long to understand it that I feel I should share anyway.

When I lived in Kipling (the town of 1100 people I grew up in), I was sad, unsatisfied, angry, and hopeless and I felt like being in such a tiny place was toxic to creativity. There was no outlet for me, no stage, no audience. I felt trapped, disliked, and ostracized. I thought that if I could just be in a city everything would change. I’d have so many more opportunities and I could write and act and do everything that felt like running through mud when I was in Kipling.

Then I had the opportunity to go to Europe for a couple weeks during the summer and it was so much fun. I had the time of my life. But while I was there I still felt sad, unsatisfied, angry, trapped, disliked, and ostracized.

I’ve spent the last year living in Regina. You know, Regina? That city that was going to turn my life around? The city that had tons of opportunities and outlets for my creativity. The city that would give me freedom. Guess how I spent the year feeling? Trapped—more trapped then I’ve ever felt in my life. More angry, hopeless, depressed, unsatisfied, disliked and ostracized than I’ve ever felt in my life. I started to dream about Chicago and New York and Montreal and think if I could just get there I would finally be happy. I would have all the opportunities to get out of this constant anxiety and depression and just be ok.

Today the aforementioned Jordan replied to an email saying “I hope it gets better and if not you know you could always transfer.” That’s when it hit me like nothing a book or therapist has ever said to me: No matter where I go, I’m unhappy. The common denominator isn’t terrible places, it’s me.

Kipling is not a terrible place. It has a whole lot of negative attributes but there are people in Kipling who are doing ok. Regina is full of people who are doing ok. The environment does not provide insufficient opportunities for happiness, I insufficiently utilize opportunities for happiness.

I get that this is SO basic, it’s so simple, and it’s so obvious, but: Home is where the heart is. That cliche that made no sense to me and seemed like another matronly saying is saying exactly that. You feel at home where you let your soul rest. You can be at home anywhere as long as you’re emotionally and spiritually present in that environment.

I spent so many years in my small town thinking the small town was the problem. You can go from city to city trying to outrun your demons but you just can’t run away from yourself.

This isn’t the moment that in my autobiography is followed by, “and from that moment on I was happy and satisfied!” Not even close. I’m still plagued with sadness and hopelesness and feeling disliked by everyone about 95% of the time. However, as long as I can acknowledge that this “badness” isn’t something external, something unchangeable and out of my control, then I have a starting point. I can’t change the government or the university or even my friends. I have no control over what they do. I have no control over what happens to me. The one, tiny, instrumental thing in the world I have control over is me. It’s a battlefield to change me. I’m rebellious and I hate authority and I hate structure. But I’m still mine for the changing. I think that once we find a way to put our hearts in to the environment we’re in right now, then maybe we can finally find a home.

Paul Gilmartin: This one woman posted that she doesn't have body issues and she thinks one of the reasons why is when she was growing up, her parents never commented on her appearance, good or bad. She was told 'you're smart' or 'you're this' or 'that'. She was complimented on things that she had control over, things she could work towards.

Tue, 15 May 2012 06:42:38 -0400

Paul Gilmartin: This one woman posted that she doesn't have body issues and she thinks one of the reasons why is when she was growing up, her parents never commented on her appearance, good or bad. She was told 'you're smart' or 'you're this' or 'that'. She was complimented on things that she had control over, things she could work towards.
Mike Schmidt: She was treated like a person and not a girl.
Paul Gilmartin: Yeah, and I think sometimes people make the mistake of thinking that if you tell a little girl all the time that she's pretty that that's gonna keep her from having anxiety about herself, but no, I think what you're doing is saying: This part of you is super important.
Mike Schmidt: And you better work to stay this pretty. You better stay this pretty all the time.
Paul Gilmartin: Then they go through puberty and all of a sudden they're gangly for a little bit...
Mike Schmidt: And they're not as pretty as they were when they were little and maybe you're not telling them very often that they're pretty anymore... "What, I'm not as pretty as I was when I was small, is that what you're saying?"' That's gotta be ****** up.

Being as I’ve got Ira Glass on the brain; the gap between...

Wed, 09 May 2012 17:37:25 -0400

Being as I’ve got Ira Glass on the brain; the gap between good taste and good production is so prominent. I think (if you’re actually talented and have good taste) you know your “succesful” when you are proud of what you create as much as you enjoy what you consume.

micksilva:

Good for any writer/artist to bear in mind. From Ira Glass. (Also be sure to steal a lot.)

This is Ira Glass, circa 1991. This is IRA GLASS. THIS IS IRA...

Wed, 09 May 2012 17:30:55 -0400

This is Ira Glass, circa 1991. This is IRA GLASS. THIS IS IRA GLASS’S HAIR.

How many times can I share/force this video upon friends?...

Wed, 09 May 2012 05:52:00 -0400

How many times can I share/force this video upon friends? Kristen Wiig’s facial expressions kill me. Even with Zach breaking near the end it’s still my favourite guest spot he’s done.

I’ve fallen in love with this man since my roommates...

Mon, 07 May 2012 08:31:00 -0400

I’ve fallen in love with this man since my roommates introduced me to Black Books.

One day I’ll write a post about why I’m attracted to misanthropic alcoholics.

I’ve been sleeping on a pillowcase full of shirts for the past week because I don’t want...

Mon, 07 May 2012 07:47:04 -0400

I’ve been sleeping on a pillowcase full of shirts for the past week because I don’t want to walk 30 steps to my car. My car which I was in today. And yesterday. Now THAT is the definition of insanity.

" If I’m attracted to you, it’s not a compliment, it’s a diagnosis."

Wed, 02 May 2012 06:15:00 -0400

“” If I’m attracted to you, it’s not a compliment, it’s a diagnosis.””

- Morgan Murphy (Comedian)

Mental Illness Happy Hour Podcast w/ Paul Gilmartin

(via forserious)

I’ve been listening to the Mental Illness Happy Hour constantly. It makes me…not happy but maybe comforted? It has some swearing and graphic talk so not for the easily offended. But it has been reminding me how much crap everyone else goes through on a day to day basis. Like Paul Gilmartin says at the end of every podcast, “You are not alone.”

Yo I am colourful

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 05:52:00 -0400

Yo I am colourful

You know what’s the best part about being me and not being in highschool anymore? I...

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 05:24:00 -0400

You know what’s the best part about being me and not being in highschool anymore? I don’t have to hear “Oh Nicole! She’s such a character!” hopefully ever again.

DEAR JORDAN:

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 01:45:00 -0400

I have this friend Jordan. Jordan is everything I’m not and I think we’ve reveled in our ability to befriend an opposite so well. Where I am spontaneous or impulsive he plans and thinks things through. Where I criticize, scrutinize and challenge, Jordan accepts because “those are the rules.” That’s not to say he’s not analytical, he’s very analytical. One might even say too analytical. One might even say irritatingly so.

(I’m allowed to make fun of Jordan for being super analytical because we’re friends. You are not.)

So the second to last post I have on here was some fairly disconnected-sounding thoughts thrown together. Jordan said he doesn’t understand how my mind works. He thought he did. Jordan, let me explain:

It’s snowing outside despite there being green grass on the ground. That seems backwards, like the fact that they close everything down during finals. Finals, oh dear let’s not think about Finals. Something terrible is going to happen during finals. Maybe I just shouldn’t go. No, I have to go. Maybe they won’t notice I’m not there. Maybe there will be some technical anomaly and my grade will get put in as 100. That’s not gonna happen, I’m probably gonna have a panic attack during my finals. Panick attacks, finals, snow. Everything is going terribly and it’s only going to get worse. Dread. That’s what this is. Chronic dread. Google it. I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR. No, what’s this? “Do you suffer from an omni-present sense of dread?” YES, I DO INTERNET/ONLY FRIEND. Anxiety disorder? Bah, tell it to my therapist! I’m gonna die eventually. Where did that come from? That’s dread isn’t it, I know something terrible is gonna happen. I’m gonna die eventually. Scary, get away from that thought. If I died today people would be really unimpressed with the number Pita Pit wrappers next to my bed. Bed-Pitas signify a very unique type of dysfunction. What’s that girl’s problem? What, you never seen someone drink apple juice and use a laptop before?! I will fight you—oh she’s looking at the t.v. She looks sad. She’s probably thinking about dying too. That’s projection, Nicole, I thought we were working on that. Look at the tv! There are people dying in Syria. There are people dying everywhere. Everyone’s dying. But that’s the difference isn’t it, everyone wants to die, no one wants to be killed? I don’t want to be killed. Is that normal? That’s normal. Let’s take a vote, plant, chair, table. All say yes, that’s normal. That’s not normal though, taking imagined referendums by inanimate objects. NICOLE! You brought your laptop down here to write not to stare at people. Eugh, I don’t want to write. I hate writing, I’m a terrible writer. Writing is the worst, I have nothing to write about. I wish I had listened to the bullies in middle school who said writing was dumb. Right now I’d rearranging the posters on my wall and listening to One Direction. I’d probably have a boyfriend and be in hair styling school and drive a really nice car. I bet there wouldn’t even be any Pita Pit wrappers next to my bed. Oh my goodness, if I don’t start writing soon I’m gonna straight up slap that guy who’s fixing the lights. Just with no provocation. Try talking your way out of that one, Nicole!! Fine, I’ll start writing. Whatever, I’ll just write about everything I’ve been thinking about. Except maybe that last part, that got a little weird. Write about snow and finals and dread and projection. ANOTHER UNPRECEDENTED GREAT IDEA. Shut up.

Cosmo, Laaaddiiiiesss!!!!

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 02:14:00 -0400

Excerpt from this month’s Cosmo: How to Dress Your Body Type!

Stick or “Athletic”

You can wear anything! You’re so skinny! Try 1920’s style flapper dresses, jackets with shoulder pads to hide the jutting bones, backless dresses, elmers glue (to slow the effects of brittle bone disease), purple concealer (little known fact: purple counteracts the yellowness from jaundice from anorexia!), frontless dresses, IV drip necklace (stay alive in style!)! You’re so lucky to be skinny! We hate you!!

Pear

Yum! Guys love girls with hips plus subconsciously being reminded of their favourite fruit: pears! Try shirts with exaggerated collars. Eg. ruffled collar, blazer collar, elizabethan dog collar! Bonus: You can’t snack on chips if you can’t reach your face!

Hourglass

You vixen! All the guys want you! You’re like Marilyn Monroe but without the dumb voice! You should try wrap dresses, draping yourself in siberian tiger fur, draping yourself in silk and jewels, lying nude on a beach, lying nude on a bed, standing nude on a street corner.

Inverted triangle

Woah, Pamela Anderson! You don’t have to worry about what you wear because no one’s looking at your clothes! Try minimizer bras! Try crutches! Try not falling over! Try getting your boss to take you seriously! For real, try a minimizer bra!

Apple

Maybe a sack or a cardboard box or something!

It’s really gross outside today but equally gross inside. Once the grass has turned green...

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 22:30:00 -0400

It’s really gross outside today but equally gross inside. Once the grass has turned green there shouldn’t be any snowfall, but unfortunately the weather doesn’t always obey the laws of aesthetics.

The inside doesn’t obey the laws of logic. During finals, all the food stores and restaraunts on campus either completely shut down or have limited hours. This doesn’t make any sense. During finals people are angry and hungry at all hours of the day and night. Maybe I should revise that; during finals, I am angry and hungry at all hours of the day and night, and in my world that means everyone is.

For the longest time I’ve had this feeling like something terrible is going to happen. An omnipresent sense of dread. I didn’t make that up myself, I googled ”chronic dread” and a health site popped up.

”Do you suffer from an omnipresent sense of dread?”

Yes, internet, I do! You always know what I need, Internet, a little surface-scraping, generalized understanding of everything. Internet says I may have an anxiety disorder. But that’s not what it’s like, with anxiety you’re worried that something bad might happened. With dread, I know something bad will happen. The only thing I’m worried about is, how clean will my room be when it happens? Will I have a condemning amount of fast food wrappers and empty beer cans next to my bed?

Sometimes, I feel like other people can read my thoughts. Not in a psychic way, just in the way I can read peoples emotions. I register little ticks and glances and tiny sighs that someone else might mistake for a little yawn. I project myself onto other people. Projection, that’s some jargon I know. Projection is when the sky is a terrifyingly calm blue wash and I start preparing myself for the storm clouds to form and the earth to start breaking under my feet and I look into the faces of strangers and see them preparing for it too. But they’re not, I’m projecting.